a_blessed_servant's Xanga

doing some work around here

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 01:07:53 GMT

It's been a while since I've done much to this blog, but after much thought and prayer I have decided to make many of my posts public again that might be a blessing to others. I'll be correcting the numerous typos as I go, so if you're receiving the feeds they might show up as a new post. I hope and pray your visit will bless you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

enduring

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 20:24:03 GMT

The true lessons of endurance cannot be taught in books or sermons, but only by continual trials over an extended period of time. Any hardship will do, since it is not the extent of difficulty that results in endurance but the continuous mindset by which it is handled. The task easily becomes wearisome without the Savior's hand, but as time goes on and my steps are more closely matched with His, the silences where perseverance is most needed are like that of two friends walking alongside the road who gain strength to carry on from the mere presence of one another.

And so I continue onwards in His grace.

hating "life"

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 12:38:03 GMT

I am at long last catching a glimpse of understanding to Jesus’ words on the importance of hating my own life. It is not eternal life that I hate, but my fleshly, temporary, earthly bits of matter that kick and scream with every inch I take closer to my Lord and Savior. The more I am hindered by my flesh the more I begin to hate it—its life brings nothing but death to the soul. Yet “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.” How glorious it is to die with the Lord and thus share in His resurrection! His grace has rested abundantly on me.

To-do list: deny self, pick up cross, follow Christ.

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 08:37:20 GMT

As I walk onward in this Christian life I continue to rediscover God's word, His attributes, His glory, and the joy of knowing Him. The more I understand the Bible, the more I want to read it, and the more intimately I know Christ the stronger my desire to see Him grows. And so in these past few weeks I have been well satisfied to focus solely on pondering and living out the gospel.

Jesus said that if anyone is to come after Him, he must "deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow (Christ)." Never before have I so utterly known my sin as when my heart rebels against this simple mandate. How desperate is my need for grace! Since these three things are required for the Believer, I determined there could be no higher order of business upon waking up than to examine my heart according to these standards and pray earnestly for the strength to obey.

Through the application of this practice, I have begun to think of my daily life with, it seems, a new pair of eyes: "Deny yourself" means to refuse anything that might feed my fleshly nature instead of bringing glory to God. "Pick up your cross daily" means that I shoulder each trial as if I had intentionally chosen to endure hardship for the sake of Christ. "Follow Him" is self-explanatory, yet it can be the hardest of all.

Through this understanding the root from which many sins grow becomes apparent. I find myself desiring to follow my own idea of Christ rather than follow the Lord himself. Sometimes I wake up and my cross seems so hideous and heavy that I doubt my ability and desire to carry it. And at times the thought of depriving myself of a "good" thing that is feeding a fleshly desire seems silly and unnecessary.

Thankfully, I am not reliant on my own resources to walk in the Lord's ways, as I told a friend a few hours ago, it takes the touch of God to work the transformation. As I plead with Him to pour His grace over me and change my attitude He oh so gently begins to soften my soul. And when the Creator lovingly molds my heart, denying myself becomes a joyous sacrifice, my cross is turned into a beautiful and awesome privilege, and Christ is seen as an infinitely valuable treasure with no higher fulfillment existing than to follow Him.

I began this blog for the purpose of "boasting of my weaknesses", that Christ's power and grace may be shown. It is humbling to return because with each post I understand in further depth the shame of my sins, the beauty of Christ's forgiveness, and the glory of His power. Such a wondrous Gospel never ceases enrapture my heart.

on crying out

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 08:35:06 GMT

Recently I have been learning God's design in turning weakness into strength and mourning into dancing: humbly entering His presence and laying my heart bare. I must first bring my weaknesses before Him if I am to experience His strength. Likewise, my grief must be taken fully into His presence before He replaces it with joy. The Holy Spirit works the transformation; no matter how principled or Word-abiding a Christian I become there will never be a substitute for crying out to God.

It seems obvious, now that I think about it, but it has only gradually become a problem as my life begins to fill up with important things that should be done. Prayer is certainly a factor, but my days of spending hours just emptying myself completely before Him and then waiting in silence as He fills me with His riches and opens my eyes to the beauty of His majesty have been much fewer than my soul desires, and my spirit has suffered from it.

Thankfully we serve a merciful, forgiving God who continues to faithfully teach me and lovingly pulls me into His arms every time I run to Him. "Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies." - Psalm 36:5

"How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD Almighty!

My soul yearns, even faints,
       for the courts of the LORD;
       my heart and my flesh cry out
       for the living God." - Psalm 84:1-2

I wait for the Lord.

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 06:48:00 GMT

Wait for the Lord. Be strong, and take heart, and wait for the Lord.

I've come to realize that this verse describes the main way I spend my time these days. It is not an unproductive time, rather, it's as if the hand of God reaches down and stills my soul with one word of His mouth, that I might abide in Him while He prepares the path before me so I may walk in such a way as to bring about His glorious purpose. There isn't really an adequate description of it because this intimate stillness is not spoken of in the words we use today. All I know is that as I wait for Him my heart is taught the rhythm of His own as the Lord gently leads me by His grace and mercy. Oh, what a wonderful Savior!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 03:04:17 GMT

Since the Lord glorifies Himself through my circumstances, I shall be content with that.

difficult pain; lavish grace

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 22:44:41 GMT

When it boils down to it, pain is the essence of why this illness is difficult. Not merely physical pain - this can be steadfastly endured with a bit of practice - but all other kinds of emotional pain as well; not only involving myself, but all those close to me who recieve a taste of my pain and thus are hurt themselves. In some situations there's simply no solution, and all that's left to do is keep going as best we can while begging God to work through it.

Ah, but there lies one of the most precious gems of all: the brokeness of hearts crying out to God in utter loss and the awe of the Lord of Hosts swooping down, lingering near to comfort; the wonder of His voice in the midst of the storm and the joy of His love in the soul. Can any pain be sweeter than that which the Lord calls me to? Would any other road be more precious to trod than to follow Christ's blood to calvary? Is it really true that even as sinner such as I am counted worthy to suffer along with my Lord?

What grace has been lavished upon me!

My first post back -- I get a break from choosing a good title.

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 18:46:53 GMT

I'm happy to post here again. I cannot garantee any sort of consistency but since this blog is here and I am presently capable of posting I'm "making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil" (Ephesians 5:16).

I recently stumbled upon a discarded draft of a newsletter and was struck by its similarity to recent thoughts. So much has happened since then I feel like I wrote this letter years ago, yet save for a few details I might have penned it yesterday. I decided to share it here, despite its slightly frustrated and worldly tone, as a glimpse behind the concise facts I report into the irregular life of a young woman, believer and follower of Jesus Christ, and sufferer of severe chronic illness.

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ, May 6, 2007

I've got to be honest here: these updates are hard for me to write. It is so difficult to remember what health problems yesterday held, not to mention the last few weeks. It all seems to work better when I just stick to the main things that healthy people can understand, as I did with my last newsletter, but it gives me no satisfaction that I have actually connected with my readers. Since I have been unable to reply to many emails, this now is my effort to be more of a real person than a news reporter. A big apology to anyone whose emails I have not responded to, and a big thank-you to those who have sent encouragement. I can now do some things on the computer, but I'm still limited.

(One) struggle lies in the fact that I'm becoming numb to the medical things. It seems completely normal to off-handedly wonder if I'm actually getting better or worse, and then to change my mind on it several times daily. The doctors start out confident, alleviate some symptoms with medication, run tests that show some strange results (but nothing they would have predicted) and finally admit that they don't really know what's going on or how to get to the root of the problem. In that order.

When all is said and done – the hours of research, the phone calls, the money put into things that could help, the physical effort of taking care of me, the many discussions of possibilities, the tests performed – I still "only" have the mysterious diseases of Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome, Environmental Illness, Fibromyalgia, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, and extreme allergies. We know that my immune system is attacking my body; we also know it isn't doing its job because I have various infections, viruses, and parasites throughout my body which we can't take care of at the moment. Now that I am in a relatively toxin-free environment, my severe reactions have almost ceased completely... . We know the symptoms; what we need to know is the cause. ... Everything in the human body is so inter-connected that it's hard to trace a problem back to its origin.

It's even harder still when I remember that there isn't a recognized cure for my diagnosis. Then I remember that our God is much bigger than that. And I look towards heaven and ask Him once again for endurance for both my mom and myself, for healing, and that His glory would shine forth through whatever comes about.

Let me step away from the illness babble for a bit. I am often asked what I do all the time, and I find it difficult to explain the special things I enjoy. Due to my allergy to daylight my window is completely covered in many layers of blankets and sheets. Sometimes I'm awake for the sunrise, and I watch the blankets turn from completely dark into a lighter shade. Did you know that even through piles of fabric, the bit of daylight I see is still completely different from every kind of light I know? It is clearer, whiter, purer, and so much more beautiful. I love to look at it and try to remember what's outside.

I like to compare it to our perception of heaven. In my world the only nature I see are spiders and humans. But I *know* that out there, just beyond the wall, there is a whole new world more intricate than I could ever imagine, completely filled with this light that I now see only as a lighter shade of a blanket. That is how it will be with Christ. We may see only a bit of His majesty while we're here, but when we go to a place where Jesus reigns, it will be so completely filled with the beautiful glory we now merely glimpse that we will long to do nothing but worship Him absolutely and completely in utter joy.

O, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together. – Psalm 34:3

May the Lord bless and keep you all,

Heidi

fading out of the internet world

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 09:15:36 GMT

Within one week, I discovered I had to stop all writing and close contact with paper, and that I had to give up my closeness to electrical things. Including this computer.

Under the diagnosis of CFS, FMS, and POTS I was told there was nothing to do but trat the symptoms. Only recently have we discovered that many of the symptoms are due to sensitivities in my environment, or "Environmental illness" (among other health problems).

But E.I. has a very cruel way about it: often times when someone removes from themselves something they are sensitive (or "allergic") to, the body responds by "unmasking" its sensitivity and developing an even worse reaction to the tiniest amounts - documented by E.I. doctors.

This has happened with writing on paper and reading, especially newly printed materials. It has now happened with electrical things - I wanted to see if it made me feel better to turn off all electrical things around me for the night. My body responded by becoming even more sensitive, so that unless there has been an absence of most electrical things around me for at least a few hours, I have a splitting headache and feel light-headed and slightly nauseous. And after I have recovered, I have only to flip on a light switch (even with no light hitting my eyes) for it to start all over again.

My self rebels against this. I wrote a half-page letter the other day, so determined to work past the reaction that I repeatedly washed my hands, held my breath, and took "breaks". With the computer I have simply striven to deal with the symptoms, but I cannot willingly let myself get any worse. How tightly we hold onto earthly things when they must be taken away! How much I took for granted!

That said, this should be my last post here. I hope to still subject my body to getting on once or twice a week, and we'll see how that goes, but I cannot post here. If you would like to receive health updates via email, message me on here or email me if you know the address. If I cannot get on I'll probably be able to find someone else able to do it for me.

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away; may His name yet be praised.

Thank you all so much for reading, commenting, supporting, and uplifting me in your prayers. I pray that God would return the blessings to you a thousand fold.